Good questions are not there to put the other person through an exam: they are there to find out whether two people want the same life, and whether they will know how to build it together. This list is organised by theme, from the broadest to the most concrete, with an indication of when each subject becomes useful. It reads in both directions: every question you ask is a question you must be able to answer yourself.
How do you use these questions in a muqabala?
The muqabala — the meeting with a view to marriage — most often takes place in the presence of a third party: a parent, the wali, a trusted person. That presence does not prevent a real conversation; it sets its frame. A few bearings:
- Choose one or two themes per meeting. Nobody answers forty questions in a row sincerely.
- Ask open questions. "How do you picture an ordinary week in a few years' time?" says more than "Do you want children?".
- Answer yourself. A question asked without reciprocity becomes an interrogation.
- Take notes afterwards, not during. What you remember once the moment has passed — the hesitations, the contradictions, the shared certainties — is worth more than the answer word for word.
- Accept "I don't know". A person who has not yet thought about a subject is not disqualified; a person who refuses to think about it deserves to be remembered.
Which questions should you ask?
About what each person means by marriage
- What is a successful marriage, for you? How do you recognise one in everyday life?
- What do you expect from me that you would not expect from a close friend?
- What, in your parents' marriage or in the marriages of people close to you, inspires you? What do you not want to repeat?
- Why now?
About religious practice as it is lived
The aim is not to measure a "level", but to find out how faith occupies the days, the weeks and the decisions — and what each person hopes for from the other on that point.
- How does your practice fit into an ordinary working day?
- What has changed in your practice over the last few years? In which direction?
- What do you expect us to do together? What remains personal?
- How do you see the place of religion in raising children?
- What would you do if one of us developed differently from the other?
About life plans
- Where do you see yourself living? Is that a wish or a condition?
- What time frame do you give to marriage: the coming year, later?
- What do you want to have built in a few years' time — work, studies, a home, a family?
- What place for travel, for family back in the country of origin, for a possible move?
About children and their upbringing
- Do you want children? Roughly when? And if they did not come?
- How do you picture sharing the daily routine: mornings, meals, homework, medical appointments?
- Which language, which school, which rules at home?
- If one of us already has children: what place for them, for their other parent, for the step-parent?
About family and in-laws
- What role will your family play in our decisions? What role do you want it to play?
- How often do you picture visits, celebrations, shared holidays?
- How would you react if your family and I disagreed?
- Your ageing parents: who will look after them, and how?
About money and work
These questions have an article of their own, so often do they come up in couples' difficulties. In a muqabala, the essentials come down to a few points:
- How do you see managing money: jointly, separately, a mix?
- Do you have financial commitments — debts, support for a relative — that I should know about before committing?
- What do you think about both spouses working? And if one of us wanted to stop, or go back to studying?
- What housing do you picture at the start: renting, buying, close to family?
About where to live and mobility
- Are you prepared to move for a job, for family, for a project? Within what limits?
- Is living abroad part of your plans, or something you rule out?
- What is the greatest distance from your parents that you could live with?
About health, habits and communication
- How do you look after yourself — sleep, sport, food, rest?
- Is there anything about your health that a future spouse should know? (The question may be asked; the detailed answer can wait for a later stage.)
- When something upsets you, do you say so straight away, later, never?
- What do you need after a hard day?
About disagreements and conflict
- Tell me about a recent disagreement with someone close to you: how did it end?
- What do you do when you know you are wrong?
- If we could not agree on something important, would you accept help from a third party — family, an imam, a counsellor?
- What, for you, is unforgivable?
About roles and expectations
Muslim couples organise their lives in many ways: a strict sharing of tasks, more traditional roles, arrangements that evolve with children and work. None of these ways is the "right" one for everybody; the wrong one is the one that was never discussed.
- Who does what at home, in your view? Why?
- What do you expect from me as a husband or wife, concretely?
- Which decisions do you want to take alone? Which together?
- How do you picture time for yourself, friends, leisure?
What should you not ask too early?
Some questions are legitimate but out of place in a first meeting. They come once the process is moving forward and trust exists:
| Subject | Too early | At the right time |
|---|---|---|
| The past | "How many people before me?" | "Is there anything from your past that still weighs on your present?" |
| Health | The detail of a medical file | "Is there a health matter we will need to talk about before committing?" |
| Money | The exact salary figure | "How do you see managing money as a couple?" |
| Family | A judgement on their parents | "What role do you want for your family in our life?" |
| The mahr | A figure at the first meeting | A discussion, later, between the people concerned |
Note. Not asking a question too early does not mean never asking it. A marriage is decided with all the information that matters. The difference is one of pace and form, not of content.
What should you do with the answers?
Three kinds of answer deserve particular attention:
- The clear answer that differs from yours. It is precious: it tells you exactly where you stand. What remains is to work out whether the difference is a preference, a point to discuss or a non-negotiable disagreement.
- The vague answer. It may signal unfinished thinking — normal on some subjects — or avoidance. Ask the question again, differently, later.
- The answer that contradicts what was said another time, or what you observe. That is the one not to let pass.
And in an accompanied approach?
On Nikaa7, a proposal does not arrive empty: it is explained by points in common and points to discuss, established from the values and life plans each person has declared. These are, very concretely, questions to ask during the introduction. A counsellor has reviewed the proposal before it was presented to you, and the first meeting can take place in the presence of a trusted person. The list above does not become useless: it gives you the words to go beyond what a profile can say.
Frequently asked questions
Can you talk about money, health or the past during a muqabala?
Yes, and it is desirable: these are the subjects that weigh most heavily after the wedding. The question is one of timing and manner. A first meeting sets the general frame; the following meetings go into detail.
How many meetings do you need before deciding?
There is no right number. The useful bearing lies elsewhere: have you covered each of the themes above, obtained clear answers, and observed consistency between what is said and what is done? If so, you have what you need to decide — one way or the other.
Should these questions be asked in front of the third party who is present?
The presence of a third party rules out no subject; it sometimes changes how a question is phrased. Many families set aside a time when the two people talk more directly, within sight. The third party is there to protect the frame, not to answer in your place.